Indifferent

Don't you always have that one moment where you feel like going to one place, this little place called comfort zone, where you can be all alone without anyone else, where you can just sit there in contemplation, where you can just enjoy the stillness in the air? That place where you just want to leave everything and everyone else behind without having to worry about anything at all. Just so you know, I'm just trying to put my state of mind in words. Though, I don't think it is ever going to happen because leaving everything behind without a sense of responsibility is not something easy to be achieved. When everything feels wrong, I just want to go to my little comfort zone and start deciding what's best for me. Does anyone feel the same?

Love,
JC

3.26am and still studying. Currently under stress at level maximum. I've been studying everyday from the moment I wake up till like 5 in the morning. I go through chapters by chapters for each subject. Each time I'm reading, say, Marketing, I feel like I can already capture those information in my head but by the time I study another subject, I feel like I dont remember shit about marketing. I'm afraid I'll forget everything during my finals next week. I'm so nervous, I cant seem to be able to remember anything, fuck this shit. I dont wanna fail any of my subjects and I really really dont want to fail. I hope my hard work will pay off man, seriously. If I study this hard and I still fail, I will.. I dont know what to do -.- Ok I'm done ranting, going back to the piles of notes now bye!

For you , ♥

My head is on the verge of exploding anytime soon. Final examination is just around the corner and I have been staying up late every night to do my revision, I mean, last minute revision. Hey, procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow right! I keep pushing myself to study and resist myself from giving because I cannot fail and I do not want to feel. I dont want to let my parents down.. I have to keep going! But I'm going to slack a little while to finish this post.

I'm glad there's one person who is always by my side to encourage me and accompany me without fail, everyday. That is of course, my boyfriend. We've been through rough times, really bad times but we'll get back together in no time. We can have really big and terrible fights but we'll get over it after awhile. We almost couldnt make it but we reconciled and tried to put things back into places. I'm glad we are still willing to try because eventhough he makes me cry at times, he makes me smille all the time :) He always encourages me to study, telling me how it would affect my future this and that. Good at nagging but he's always doing/saying things for my own good. Sometimes I really wonder why did he even choose me as his girlfriend. I dont have alot of good qualities.

Some of the reasons why I think I would not date myself :
1. I am not smart (pfftt)
2. I am uncouth (I slap and hit my bf all the time haha)
3. I am not skinny
4. I am.. not very hardworking
5. I get jealous super easily
6. I have a little bit of bad temper (but i get over it really quickly)
7. I complain, sometimes
8. I am very dependent on people (my boyfriend especially)

Ok, I cant think of anymore reasons. I know some of the reasons are very superficial but I'm a girl, I have my inferior moments too! I like how my boyfriend takes care of me like a baby. I know he doesnt really like it but I just dont really wanna grow up whenever he's around :p Gotta go back to studying now, such an agony but gotta keep going! Ending this post with some of my favourite pictures of us, chiao!

♥

This might sound cliche but I don't care; you're the best thing that has ever happened to me baby. 

I love you.

Love,

JC

100412

 I'm sure I'm not the only one who realises that most of my blog posts are sad and glum haha. I'm sorry for those readers who feel like crap after reading my blog. (Wait, do I even have readers?) Hence, from now onwards, I will try to make my blog a happier place for my 'imaginary readers' haha. I remember I used to update my blog very frequently but as the years go by, I got lazier and I update only like once a month. Alot of things have been going on in my life like college, relationship and friendship issues and blah. Maybe I'm not much of an optimist thats why I choose to rant and let it all out here. I promise, I will try not to post any you-make-me-feel-like-killing-myself blog posts anymore :3 

Ok so anyways, as you know, most girls like taking pictures of themselves, knowingly 'camwhoring'. No idea who invented this term man. Undeniably, I'm one of them who camwhores. I love taking pictures of myself, like really self loving pictures lol. (who doesnt?) I went through my albums in my computer and phone and realized I DO have alot of pictures of myself. I noticed my looks and styles keep changing from time to time. I'm pretty sure every girl has her own little techniques of camwhoring, for e.g. you have your own special angles or special lighting at some special place and I dont know how many of you are honest about this but I suppose most girls edit their pictures? I, myself, admit that I edit my pictures. Who doesnt wanna see themselves look good in pictures? But of course, I dont edit all of them. Not like I dont look good in all of em' :p Ok I know reading is a boring thing to do so I'm gonna upload some of the pictures of myself ranging from like 2 years back till now. Hope you guys will enjoy it! 

2 years back and Lol this looks funny 

 This one confirmed edited cuz I'm not that skinny hahaha

 Just took this last weekend :) 

Thats all that I'm showing, too lazy to wait for the pictures to load and rearrange. I think my looks have changed? But one thing that did not change is my hair cuz my hair's forever long. Still dont have the guts to make a change and chop it off, meh. So, which is your favourite picture? :)

Love,

JC

Scars

Communication is indeed, a very vital process between two people or maybe more but now, I'm gonna be concentrating on interpersonal communication. It is so hard, to live with someone who you can hardly communicate with that you love. It is hard because it hurts, it hurts to know that the person you love doesn't have the same mindset or opinions as you, most of the time. Is it that important to be holding grudges against each other just to prove one of them is on the wrong? For me, I'd rather just suck it up and let it go. But I've come to a realization that it isn't just about me, it is about both sides of the party. It still will not work if one of them has a high level of tolerance because it is a two-way-thing. Things will only work if both of them are willing to take a step back and talk it out peacefully instead of just lashing harsh words at each other. I've been experiencing this for quite sometime and I'm really stubborn on this because I stand on my point that everything will work out if I keep tolerating but no, things proved me wrong. It pains me to see that our relationship has come this bad. It is not bad in the sense that we don't love each other anymore. The thing is, the feelings are still very much there but I really don't know if it is really my problem, as you said it is because it occurred to me that it it ALWAYS me. I've evaluated myself and looked myself in the mirror and yes, I might have issues, but who doesn't? At least I took the chance to try to change myself, I really did, but you just don't see it. You're still not satisfied with me and all the shoutings really etched my heart. I cry myself to sleep every night reminiscing those days when we started dating, things were perfectly fine. Never will I forget the day we met, we talked like there's no tomorrow and rightaway I knew you were the one that could make me happy. I love you, so much that I still have that willpower -whatsoever they call it, to patch things up and hold on to this relationship. I honestly think I have done the best that I can to make you happy. Till now, I still have the same, numerous questions in my head. Do you still love me like how I love you? Do I really make your life that terrible? Is it my problem or is it yours? I did not, do not and will not have any intention to end this relationship because I still believe in us. I hope you will spend sometime and think about this, think about yourself and evaluate. I don't hope that history will repeat itself. Before you get mad or immediately think it is my fault again, sit back, take a breath and think about things. Things will be fine if we want it to be, it all depends on us, no? I don't wanna do this alone but the question is, are you in this with me?

Is it me, or my life is just always fucked?

Love,
JC

I feel like as if I've died, on the inside. I dont know what to feel anymore.

Its been awhile, I know.

Happiness doesn't last, does it? It is always something temporary, at-the-moment and when the moment is gone, all you can do is just reminisce the good times as if the bad never existed. I've had my happy moments. What I hate most is, changes. Everything changes, eventually. My relationship has been great, but it was greater. I've always liked the moment you have just met someone, when there are still awkward moments, politeness and so on. As time passes, you get closer with that person and things will change because you are used to having that person around. You are so close to that person that you tend to ignore the courtesy that once existed. Sometimes, I just feel like being alone in my room, with the music on. Just me and me alone. 


A lover, a leaver, just like hit-and-run.


Love,
JC